For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
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On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…