For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
😭😭
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal