For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Erm I’m gonna say no
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again