For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.