For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
being a writer on Twitter:
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”