For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick