For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
You Might Also Like
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.