Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

Every
Single
Year

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Encore…

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?