For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
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*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.