For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
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Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I’m Sold!
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication