For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.