Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Oops 🤭

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.