Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

New favorite tiktok

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.