@bridger_w

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

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@kylebuchanan

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

@LostFelicia

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

@EliHansenMusic

I’m at my most immature when girls misspell “cologne” and start talking about how bad a man’s colon smells

@OtherDanOBrien

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

@MarfSalvador

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

@drugleaf

the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

@urgeekisshowing

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

@murrman5

are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*