For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

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Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”


My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.


I’m at my most immature when girls misspell “cologne” and start talking about how bad a man’s colon smells


[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine


[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous


the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree


9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know


That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.


are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*