For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
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2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
They must have gotten it to go.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”