Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

This is not me but this is me

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.