Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.