For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
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sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Not today
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”