For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
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[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
That stupid look on my face, is my face
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
work smarter, not harder
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak