Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

nothing saves money like being antisocial

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.