Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰