For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
You Might Also Like
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
in the ocean
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi