“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
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The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her: