Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.