“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
girls literally only want one thing..
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO