“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
You Might Also Like
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
When you let grandma cat sit
m’lady
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.