for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
You Might Also Like
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Sorry. Not sorry
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.