for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
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hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Awesome parenting 😂
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.