for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
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Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf