for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
When ur friends with white people
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me irl
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!