For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
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Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
good morning
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
We were playing a board game. My husband and 7yo were on the same team. My 7yo as she put her arm around her dad, “dad, can you smell that? That’s the smell of victory.” It was so cute watching them lose together after I took them down.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato