For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.