Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.