For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
U talkin 2 me?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.