Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

He a real one for that

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.