Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

Dolls on drugs

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.