For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
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My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home