For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
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Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
We decided to have money instead of children.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
men are simple creatures
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.