For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
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A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My sex drive has a dui
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.