For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
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Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it