Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.