for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.