for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
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I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
If you start a sentence off with…
“At my last job…”
We all wish you still worked there
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children