for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
You Might Also Like
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.