for all #parents out there
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You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?