for all #parents out there
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My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Hot hot hot 🥵
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches