For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
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me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
For the baby who has everything
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]