For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
doing some research
per my last wtf