Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.