For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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won’t smith
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.