Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

What my back needs

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.