For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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road rage
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
No, I don’t think I will.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.