For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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Whisper out to librarians!
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
what do you want
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The Compass
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*