For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Ion see the issue
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”