For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
#parenting
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.