For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.