For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
You Might Also Like
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.