For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
You Might Also Like
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”