for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
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“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset