Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

They’re called werewolves.

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

airing out the snack pack

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*