Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

Thursday

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not