For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
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*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
🙂🐾
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.