Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck