Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

sleeping beauty

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man