For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
me as a parent
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
step 6: release the wall snake
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.