Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

new record!

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!