Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

is he marrying that labradoodle