Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.