For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”
“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”