Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance