Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Hitlers gonna hitl

Body by Oreos

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.