For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Thoughts
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE