For anyone who needs this today
You Might Also Like
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Somebody call the cops.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.