For anyone who needs this today
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Why font matters.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.