For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
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sometimes we need to be reminded
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good