Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”