Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

fly smarter, not harder

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…