Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.